One of the common woes of being an adult is the difficulty of making friends, especially in this digital age, post major pandemic, with the world crumbling apart.
I am incredibly fortunate when it comes to friendships. Even in the most hostile work environments, unfulfilling life periods, and un-social times, I managed to find and maintain connections.
Naturally, I cannot take credit for it. At the end of the day, the whole point of friendship is that there’s more than one “participant” and I’ve been lucky enough to meet some incredible people.
However, I have also witnessed others struggle to connect, struggle to invest trust, struggle to find someone who matches their dynamic. This essay is my attempt to narrow down why my friendships last.
Invest in your friendships
Firstly, friendships are a two-way street. Friendships cannot be forced but they do require effort. It’s a careful balancing act of sharing parts of yourself with someone, while also practising acceptance and asking for help.
You can’t be the only one reaching out, but similarly, you can’t be a passive participant. Next time you wonder what your mate is up to, action it – send them a message, a voice not, a meme even. Feed your friendship!
Let go of “should” and “should not”
The other key to having long-lasting friendships, in my experience, is letting go of social constructs. This may be easier for me: as my recent diagnosis confirmed, I am neurodivergent, so perhaps it has always been less of a struggle to dismiss what I “should” do.
Gendered friendship dynamics are a great example. You’re significantly limiting your pool of potential frienships if you dismiss anyone of the gender that doesn’t match your own. Similarly, you don’t have to stick to “designated” gendered activities for your type of frienships. Have a PJs and romcom night with your boys, have a motorbike trip with your gals, there are no rules!
Stop putting romance on a pedestal
I feel like we’ve all had that friend who goes off-grid as soon as they start dating someone. I am not here to tell you what to do with your life, but if you always hold romantic relationships over friendships, don’t expect that your friends will be on stand-by until the next time you are single.
It also puts an immense pressure on your potential or current romantic partner. A couple are often expected to do everything together, to be each other’s support system, hobby partner, travel buddy, confidant, hype person… It’s neither realistic nor sustainable, and yet we are conditioned to look for “the one” who can do it all.
And listen, I get it. When you choose to share your life with someone, there are certainly times you should prioritise them. That said, if you always see friendships and friends as secondary and not-so-important, it’s not a good recipe for long-term connections.
To keep friendships alive, you have to nurture them, invest in them, be willing to go against social conventions. You have to reach out to people, be there during bad times, celebrate during good times, and be willing to de-centre yourself.